Saturday, February 21, 2009

Sisk: I Choose Not to Run

There has been a major development in American politics. In a shocking new post on her campaign blog, the not-unredoubtable Amanda Sisk has announced that she does not intend to seek the presidency in 2012.

Sisk writes:

It is with mixed feelings that I write you this message. I have faced the presidential election of 2012 with great anticipation. The thought that, finally, I would be of age to throw my hat into the Executive Wing Ring has provided great support to me during the past eight years.

With my Jew Behind the Scenes, Noah Diamond, I have been busily refining my campaign platform (Pro-Legislation), my slogan ("Don't fake the funk") and my inspirational call-to-action ("Choose a world for your children!"). I had even gone so far as to book my inaugural band (The Beatles). Then, something happened that changed everything.

As many of you know, Barack Obama recently became 44th President of the United States...
 
Read more.

Noah

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Stimulus Bill Not Religious Enough for Huckabee

Mike Huckabee says that the stimulus package is "anti-religious." That's right, Operator, anti-religious. I quote from the Huckablog:

"Yes, both the House and Senate bills have a provision that prohibits federal dollars for higher education construction grants to be used for: '…modernization, renovation, or repair of facilities--used for sectarian instruction, religious worship…or a school or department of divinity; or in which a substantial portion of the functions of the facilities are subsumed in a religious mission.'

"You would think the ACLU drafted this bill… During debate, Senator Jim DeMint offered an amendment to strike the provision from the bill but it failed 43-54, with Democrats voting overwhelmingly for this blatantly anti-religious provision . . . [We] can make a difference by churning out the phone calls and emails to let those on Capitol Hill know that we’re outraged that they would take such a cheap shot at people of faith. Fighting for our freedoms, Mike Huckabee."


You know, I don't think he's that funny anymore.

Unrepentent domestic terrorist Bill Ayers is funny, though, and while it is pretty hard to defend some of the Weather Underground's activities of the past, I think you have to concede that Bill Ayers now sounds about ten times more reasonable than the average Republican congressman. Apparently, shortly after the election, Ayers contacted Sarah Palin about the possibility of a joint television program, to be called Pallin' Around with Sarah and Bill.

There were powerful, amusing, and touching moments in the President's town halls earlier this week. At the maiden presidential news conference, he took a question from Sam Stein of the Huffington Post. Today, even The Daily Show's John Oliver was in the briefing room, briefly.

Noah

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Screw the Republicans!

IS THAT A STIMULUS PACKAGE IN YOUR POCKET?

The stimulus bill has been passed 61-37. Three Republicans -- Collins, Snowe, and Specter -- joined the Senate Democrats in voting yes. As for the impending bank bailout, apparently there's
something funny about it. The new RNC chairman, Michael Steele, says there's no such thing as a government job, but I think he meant for Republicans. It's astonishing to see some of these conservatives -- who lined up so eagerly behind George W. Bush -- play obstructionist by default. In many other countries, a political party which stole two major elections, installed a tyrannical junta, waged unprovoked and deadly war, etc. would just be thankful not to be behind bars at this point. Now, don't get me wrong -- I agree with our new president about the importance of compromise. I am all in favor of bipartisan cooperation -- as long as neither of the two parties cooperating is the Republican Party. There must be some other, more reasonable, more relevant political party out there the Democrats can cooperate with. In the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, I say, screw the Republicans!


EACH ONE A BLESSING

I know this doesn't exactly sound American, but I think we should follow the example of some other countries and start imposing a legal limit on the number of children you can have. I'm not saying it has to be a low number -- it could be as high as five or six, maybe even eight, if you can imagine that. But there are
crazy people out there who are determined to fill the world up with more children than even a competent person could handle. What kind of mental illness makes a single mother of six decide to be implanted with octuplets? What bizarre force of destruction could possibly possess somebody to do that? Maybe if we take a look at the babies' names, it'll tell us something. Let's see -- Jonah, Jeremiah, Josiah, Isaiah, Maliyah, Makai, Nariyah, and even Noah. "All share the middle name Angel and the last name Solomon," says the Associated Press. So there's your answer. Nadya Suleman is high on the Big Book of Stupid.


FINALLY, A REASON TO ADMIRE MICHAEL PHELPS

I couldn't understand why everyone was so excited about Michael Phelps a while back. Apparently it has something to do with the fact that he can jump in the water and swim back and forth faster than most other people. Clearly, this skill is as useless as it is boring to watch. But everyone watched, as though something of note were happening. Then we had to suffer through weeks of seeing Phelps' dopey mug all over the media, being asked how it felt to be able to jump in the water and swim back and forth so quickly. But now, with the revelation that Phelps (on at least one occasion) likes to smoke a little pot, I find myself liking him a lot more. Okay! All that swimming back and forth, that made no sense, but this I understand. Since the bong photograph emerged, the family-values squad has been consumed with absurd outrage -- how could an Olympic hero do this? What kind of message does it send to children? It sends the message that there's nothing wrong with a responsible adult using marijuana -- which is, of course, perfectly true. Now we know -- you can win more Olympic gold medals than anyone in history, and get stoned. What's really outrageous is that nobody would have batted an eye at a picture of Michael Phelps drinking alcohol -- a far more dangerous and destructive drug than marijuana could ever be.


Noah

Thursday, January 22, 2009

George W. Bush: A Look Back

As I'm sure you noticed, all through the last eight years, I have carefully refrained from criticizing the Bush administration. It's something I just wouldn't do. However, now that President Obama is at the helm, I feel able to look back on the previous administration and finally, after all this time, let my opinions be known.

WOW, THAT WAS TERRIBLE!

I hear that some of our friends on the right were disappointed that Obama's inaugural address seemed to contain a few "shots" at the Bush regime ("We are ready to lead once more," "We reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals"). I, too, was disappointed with the way Obama handled his predecessor. I thought the new President should have taken the oath, approached the podium, taken off his shoes, and thrown them at Bush.

The President of the United States is only human; Obama will disappoint us now and then. But the occasional letdown of human error is nothing compared to what we've had to contend with since this time eight years ago.

And so, when we come down from our current high, let's not forget that whatever happens during the Obama presidency, at least Bush is over. We don't have to deal with that vapid, vacuous, arrogant, deluded, deranged, cruel, fanatical, fundamentalist, idiotic, insipid, moronic, malicious, bumbling, befuddled, brain-dead, dangerous, incoherent, incompetent, inarticulate, illiterate, inept, irrational, ignorant, incurious, erroneous, sinister, criminal, sadistic, psychopathic, provincial, uninformed, mediocre, stupid, pathetic, squinting, grinning, shit-eating son-of-a-bitch bastard ever again.

God bless America!

Noah