The other day, my friend Britney Spears called me to talk about politics (she absolutely loves complex political discussions). Brit-brit has been worried about my lack of support for "our president" (that's what she calls you - isn't that cute?) and explained to me that to go against our leadership is unpatriotic. After a few hours of intense intellectual sparring, Brit really got me thinking. Am I unpatriotic? Should I be working to help you?
With the war in Iraq droning on and on with no end in sight, with the public's support of the war and your poll numbers both steadily sliding into the toilet, you definitely need help. I have been thinking for some time about what I could contribute to the administration, but I have always felt I was somehow unqualified. After your nomination of Harriet Miers to be US Supreme Court Justice, I realized this is just not true!
So in the interest of defeating partisan politics (politics which are partisan - as you so eloquently pointed out), I am here to offer my assistance with any other political appointments you might decide to make during the rest of your term in office.
FEMA Mr. Bush, I don't even need to tell you that appointing Mike Brown was a huge mistake. Arabian horses, George? Everyone knows that Arabians are show horses - beautiful, but prissy. They're not going to help you during a national disaster! Clydesdales, George! That's what we needed - big strong horses that could have gone down and helped out after Katrina. I'm sure there are plenty of Clydesdale experts out there who are aching to be the next director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Why not give them a shot?
Alternately, my friend Corey recently used two cases of maxi pads to stop the flooding in his apartment. This is the kind of thinking you need in your federal agencies, my friend. Now although Corey isn't a close Bush family friend and hasn't ever given vast sums of money to you or your friends, I hope this won't deter you from considering such an experienced and capable candidate to head the agency which protects this country from disaster.
The FDA Now, George, in early September, the FDA sent an e-mail to many women's groups announcing that Norris Alderson, a veterinarian, would be the new acting director of the Office of Women's Health. That was a mistake, bro. Of course the women's groups were up in arms! A veterinarian? A man who spent most of his career at the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine heading up the Office of Women's Health? What you need is someone who knows women and women's issues! That's why I'm recommending this guy I met once in a bar. I mean, this guy knows women. In fact, during our short time together, he told me he'd "known" over 200 women! That's a man who knows what he's doing.
The Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency According to Nancy Pelosi's website, the head of the ICE is "in charge of the second largest investigative agency in the Federal Government with over 20,000 employees, including 6,000 investigators, and an annual budget of more than $4 billion. U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is comprised of five integrated divisions that form a 21st century law enforcement agency with broad responsibilities for a number of key homeland security priorities, including preventing terrorists from entering the country."
Now, George, I know your heart is set on appointing Julie Myers to head this agency. You're having a little trouble because Ms. Myers has absolutely no relevant experience, I know, but that's no reason to give up. So she's a little green, a little wet behind the ears. She's an attorney who has never managed a large beauracracy before. Believe me, I understand. Ms Myers is the niece of Air Force General Richard B, Myers (departing chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff), she is now the new bride of Michael Chertoff's chief of staff. How could you not appoint her?
But if it doesn't work out, I would like to recommend my friend Kim. Kim also has brown hair, like Ms Myers, and, also like Ms Myers, has no relevant experience. Her family is, however, both Italian and Hispanic and she speaks a great deal of Spanish, a skill which could prove invaluable for the head of the immigration agency.
Office of Management and Budget Mr. Bush, according to TIME magazine, "David Safavian didn't have much hands-on experience in government contracting when the Bush Administration tapped him in 2003 to be its chief procurement officer...yet as administrator of the Office of Federal Procurement Policy, Safavian, 38, was placed in charge of the $300 billion the government spends each year on everything from paper clips to nuclear submarines, as well as the $62 billion already earmarked for Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts. It was his job to ensure that the government got the most for its money and that competition for federal contracts--among companies as well as between government workers and private contractors--was fair."
When he was appointed, TIME interviewed a dozen procurement experts who declared Safavian to be "the most unqualified person to hold the job since its creation in 1974."
Now that Mr. Safavian has been arrested for lying and obstruction of justice in the Jack Abramoff case, I assume you'll need someone else to fill this position. Might I suggest my former coworker Nancy? Nancy used to order staples, post it notes and paper clips for us at our last job. She was very good at this and only once in my 5 year career at this company did we ever run out of paper. Though I do not believe Nancy has ever purchased a helicopter, I do not think this should exclude her from consideration. She would be willing to visit Mr. Safavian in jail in order to complete any training you think she might require.
Rebuilding of Iraq
This one's my favorite, George. Jay Hallen, 24 years old - never followed the stock market, didn't follow financial news, recent graduate of Yale with a degree in political science - this is the man (boy) who is leading the rebuilding of Iraq's stock exchange. According to an e-mail Mr. Hallen sent to his friends and family in 2003, his job is to "know exactly what needs to get done, what skills and expertise and money and equipment are needed, and to contact/hire the right people."
That's quite a tall order for someone who may or may not understand the basics of the stock market. The Wall Street Journal called Hallen "baby-face" and Mr. Luay Nafa Elias, head of an Iraqi investment company said "I had thought the Americans would send someone who was at least 50 years old, someone with gray hair" and "maybe someone older and more experienced could have gotten (the rebuilding of the Iraqi stock exchange) done on time."
But no worries, George. If, due to his inexperience and failure, Jay Hallen must be replaced, I have the perfect candidate for you. Noah's little sister Stephanie is young, but she's one of the smartest little folks I know. She is bright, quick and intelligent and I'm sure if she were given the same access to financiers and people at the SEC she could have that stock exchange up and running in no time. Now, she's no graduate from Yale, but seriously George, people are going to start accusing you of favoritism if you're always appointing friends, family and students from your old alma mater.
And finally, Mr. Bush, I'd like to offer my services. While I have never been to law school, my sister is an attorney and we discuss the law on the phone at least once a week. I really enjoy reading legal cases and have learned quite a few legal terms, so I can successfully "talk the talk." If possible, could someone in your office please get back to me and let me know what sort of financial contribution I could make in order to secure a position on the US Supreme Court. Normally, I wouldn't ask this sort of thing as, again, I would consider myself unqualified for the position. But in looking over the credentials of your past appointments, I have found that my resume really doesn't matter. I hope that even though I'm a registered Democrat, you will treat me as fairly and favorably as you have Mike Brown, Julie Myers, Jay Hallen and Harriet Miers.
Love,
PS I also wanted to let you know that if you ever get tired of Laura, Britney is ready and willing to step into the role of first lady. She admires your decision to serve only American food in the white house and has a new pigs in a blanket recipe she thinks will win the hearts and minds of visiting dignitaries on the first bite. Don't be shy, Mr. President! How can you fail with Britney Spears supporting you?
10:51 AM
There is ABSOLUTELY a place for Bronco, I think, in the high echelons of the federal government. In fact, the last four and a half years might have gone much better for America with the right dogs, instead of the wrong people. See my article "Barney: A Saint Among Swine."
I'm sorry, Steve, but I have to disagree with you. I feel you are severely limiting Stephanie's options by focusing on "school." As you yourself have admitted, education is not high on the list of qualifications for Bush appointees, so why not? Think what our world would be like if all those supermodels, NBA stars and Bush appointees had finished their education before pursuing their careers!
As for the point you made about "conscience," the Bush administration has a wonderful training program designed to remove such pesky moral watchdogs like the human conscience. I'm sure that with a little hard work, they could knock out any sense of decency or humanity from your little girl. It's not too late!
I urge you to re-think your decision, if only to insure that Stephanie doesn't grow up to be a liberal teenager with pink hair.
I get to be in charge of Immigration and Customs? Awesome!!! I will have the guts to crack down on the border problem. I mean, if those Canadians think they can come here and take all the hockey and sketch comedy jobs away from hard working Americans, well they've got another thing coming!
Oops...deleted Dad's comment by accident. From the cache, here's what he said:
Dear Sisk, I appreciate your including my daughter Stephanie on your short list of suggested nominees, but I'm afraid I must voice reservations. Yes, as you say, Stephanie is at least as qualified as most of Mr. Bush's actual appointments. However, I can't escape the feeling that as a fifth grader, Stephanie needs to put her education before government service at this time.
I can hear you now. You're going to say Stephanie can go right on attending middle school. She can do all this and still accept a high level government appointment. You're going to say that in this administration there is no requirement that officials actually do their jobs or come to work. After all, if the president can spend half the year playing cowboy in Texas, and the vice president go kill animals whenever he wants, why can't a child head up Iraqi reconstruction?
You make a good point but you overlook one fact. Unlike those you compare her to, Stephanie still has a shred of conscience. She is not yet at the stage of moral development where she could accept a title without at least trying to do the job. Therefore, with deep gratitude and a touch of regret, I must withdraw Stephanie's name from consideration.
However, please do not give up on our household just yet. For under our roof dwells another with credentials for public service fully equal to those of Stephanie. This individual is an American. This is someone with character, with values, and most important in this administration, with utterly unswerving loyalty. I offer for your consideration, the very essence of canine nobility and rectitude - Bronco. Love, Steve
