Wednesday, May 28, 2003

SYLLOGISM

I came to a realization today at work that brought some serenity to turbulent times. (Yesterday a sailor man, here because it's Boat Week or Fleet Week or something, asked me for a cigarette, which I declined to provide, and the person I was with said, "Come on, he's in the service." I said, "So, do I show up on my day off in his town in my pajamas and ask him for a cigarette?" The sailor man said, "You got problems, buddy." I said, "Okay, pal." It was ridiculous. It's been a rough week.)

Anyway. This realization of mine. It's a syllogism.

Everybody is totally insane.
Totally insane people are not accountable.
Nobody is accountable.

So, in long, one of the craziest things to do, which EVERYONE does, is expect someone who's COMPLETELY INSANE to make sense, to be reasonable, to not make us miserable at work, or anywhere. Really, it's ridiculous to expect anything from anybody, but what makes live worth living is that once in a while someone's particular insanity meshes beautifully with yours, at work, socially, whatever. That's LUCK, or FATE if you prefer, and the pursuit of that fate/luck is the pursuit of happiness.

But as far as getting through the goddamn day, it really helps to just keep in mind that yes, some of this is a drag, but it's not TOO big a deal, because, I mean, these people are CRAZY. I don't think I've ever met anyone to whom it would not be appropriate to say, "Wait...you do realize that you're crazy, right?" That could be a compliment or an insult, depending on the situation.

Signing off for now.

LOVE,
NOAH

Sunday, May 25, 2003


In an attempt to get some gigs as a cartoonist, carricaturist, or graphic designer, I've started to compile an online portfolio of some of my doodles. If you're interested, you can find it all here.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003


Forget It
by Amanda Sisk & Noah Diamond


Telepathically, I knew.
I knew all along
I knew the song
Too far to go now to quit
I’m sick of this shit

Frank
Hi Doris.

Doris
Hi Frank.

So it goes when two people who know each other’s names meet. Terrible really.

Formica
Divided
In Two.

Oooooooooooooooooooooh.


FRANK
I don’t understand this.

(Suddenly, in a blinding shaft of white light, GOD appears before our eyes! He’s kind of an old man with a long white beard.)

GOD:
Perhaps I can explain.

DORIS
YOU!?

FRANK
RONALD!

(The Waiter enters.)

WAITER
I’m sorry; there’s a terrible problem with your order.

What can I say?

Would it be too much to ask of everyone to at least listen to what I have to say?

No censoring, woman. You write it; it stays. That’s right, I used a semi-colon.

So what’s the deal with Frank and Doris and God/Ronald? Does anyone know? I mean, really, not just some intellectual opinion or anything, I want to really know. No hypotheticals.

GOD:
Forget it.

…yeah,

one day God just kind of said forget it. Nobody really knew what to do after that. I mean it was not exactly the way we anticipated the whole thing turning out, if you know what I mean. We all sort of had our hearts set on a horrific, gut-wrenching apocalypse, but as it happened, the whole idea just sort of petered out and nothing much came of it.

It’s actually kind of pretentious, isn’t it, assuming that our particular sliver of the time-space infinity is significant enough to conclude only with a burst of unprecedented splendor and historic devastation? Most things in the history of the UNIVERSE, you know, don’t get much exit music; they just slowly submerge deeper and deeper into the bog of their own ridiculousness until the universe forgets about them.

Anyway, at the time, we weren’t waxing rhapsodic; we were thinking practicalities. The first thing we needed was a decent meal, and then there was always the thing about finding a new planet.

GOD:
I said, forget it.


He kept repeating it. Over and over as we te….

I can’t continue this. I mean, what was up there was brilliant. It really was. But I just can’t go on with it…you know what I mean? It would become this thing that I did and it just wouldn’t work and it would probably ruin whatever good had come from the above paragraphs.

But I digress.

The point was that God said:
Forget it

Doris
When I told you I went to the grocery store last night I lied

Frank
What do you mean you lied?

Doris
Well, I didn’t go to the grocery store

Frank
Where did you go?

Doris
To the MOON!!!!!

Frank
Ooh! Was it HAPPY there?


Doris
Why, yes, it was QUITE a HAPPY PLACE!

Frank and Doris
The MOON is QUITE a HAPPY PLACE! Hooray!

Waiter
(Entering) Not only that, but the moon is made of BUBBLE-GUM!

Frank and Doris
BUBBLE-GUM?

Frank
He’s off his rocker!

Doris
He’s out of his mind.

Frank
He’s lousing up the pork-pie.

Waiter
No, wait! Please don’t go!

when I find myself in times of trouble
mother mary comes to me


Frank
What is he doing?

Doris
Make him stop!

Waiter
speaking words of wisdom

Doris
Now, really, Frank!

Frank
I don’t know what to do!

Waiter
LET IT BE

Doris
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

Frank

Let’s go to the grocery store.

(Doris and Frank leave. The wall comes crashing down.)


GOD:
LET IT BE.


And so there came a great baguette. And the baguette came upon some peoples mending their fences between the two houses of those people and the baguette did come upon them riding his great white steed. And the steed was white and great and full of semen. And lo, did the baguette dismount his spermy steed and release unto the air a geranium which took wings before the eyes of the peoples and flew away clutching with them the small childrens of the village which had but nary a fortnight had passed been brought into this great globe screaming with outraged tongues at being disturbed from their passive slumber. And when the baguettes holy geranium had flown beyond the distance of the sea, the baguette spoke and lo, its voice was mighty. And all the peoples with their wires and 2x4s did kneel and listen lovingly and awefilledly to the great baguette whose very being spoke forth the words:

what’s on t.v.?

[end of part one]